I don't really know what goes on in other people's heads, because if I did, I would be Sookie from True Blood. And even though that show ended a solid ten years ago, that entire superpower was ridiculous because she never heard anyone think anything insane like, "I turned my oven off before 3:15pm, and … Continue reading How to Lose Weight with Instagram
You can buy used toilet paper on Amazon. I didn't go looking for it. Let's get that assumption out of the way. But I was ordering some Charmin (why is there a Soft or a Strong? Aren't they same? Don't we want some degree of both?) and I automatically scrolled down to the bottom to … Continue reading Charmin Strong vs. Soft: Used, Very Good!
There was a period of my life when I watched HGTV obsessively. I didn’t have a job at the time because I was living on my savings attempting to be a screenwriter (No one liked my buddy-cop script that is best described as Lethal Weapon meets Silence of the Lambs. And by no one, I … Continue reading 10 Home Decorating Tips I May Or May Not Have Nailed
Once when my boyfriend’s parents were visiting us, his dad looked around at the apartment buildings lining the street and said, “I can’t imagine living on top of other people like this.” Everyone else weighed in on whether or not they'd like living in Chicago, but I didn’t answer right away. To be honest, I … Continue reading The Woman in the Window Eating Noodles on the Couch With the Cats
A few months ago, I was in a car with my boyfriend and his brother-in-law barreling down a dark road in central Illinois and we hit an owl. And when I say hit, we absolutely creamed it. Or as the boyfriend said later, "Did we hit an owl, or did an owl commit suicide?" Which … Continue reading How to Know You’re in the Wrong Place
A couple years ago, I decided to get an IUD for two main reasons. I was sick of having skin the texture and color of an Alaskan Salmon two weeks out of the month, and a few months before, both my best friend and my mom were diagnosed with breast cancer. Here are things you … Continue reading 6 Things You Should Know About Getting an IUD
I want my cat back. I can't get him back because kidney disease destroyed him and his ashes are in a tiny wooden box underneath our plant, Robert Plant. But sometimes, I'll be minding own my business making pasta, and my brain will ask, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Kitty walked in here right … Continue reading Dos and Don’ts of Coping When Your Cat Dies
When I was 34, I moved to Chicago for the fourth time. Originally from St. Louis, I moved to Chicago to Los Angeles to Chicago to Philadelphia to Chicago to Seattle to Chicago. I had moved to Philadelphia to join my long-distance boyfriend, and as his job transferred him around the country, my last four … Continue reading The White Cat
Illustration by Katie H. I've been a fan of home workouts since I was a teenager, awkwardly following kickboxing and pilates workouts in my bedroom. For most of my adult life, I've been jumping, planking, and crunching in apartments around the country. Costly gym memberships, living nowhere near a gym and the convenience of turning … Continue reading The Benefits of Home Workouts
Fuck We're almost out of toothpaste. The formerly plump tube is now flattened to .0005mm, almost as thick as the random blonde hair growing between my eyes that every seven months I discover is three feet long and no one told me. I found a half-empty travel size toothpaste under the sink, but how much … Continue reading We Need Toothpaste
Katie Hackmeister 