I don’t really know what goes on in other people’s heads, because if I did, I would be Sookie from True Blood. And even though that show ended a solid ten years ago, that entire superpower was ridiculous because she never heard anyone think anything insane like, “I turned my oven off before 3:15pm, and yet, look at this, rain.”

But does everyone else walk around with a running commentary of what they need to do, specifically for “self-care”, which is pretty much another manifestation of diet culture?

I do. It’s non-stop. It always has been. Maybe we can blame our moms and grandmas but they’re victims of diet culture as the rest of us. I saw a TikTok where a teenager was in a hospital room and recorded her mom pacing next to her bed and IV bag, trying to meet her step count for the day but not wanting to leave her sick daughter.

I felt bad for the mom, because I remember those Yoplait Light commercials with a yellow polka-dot bikini and Kate Moss and the heroin chic look and Delia catalogs with fucking baby doll tees paired with low-cut jeans and everything telling women to be skinny since the beginning of time, but no one else did. 

For a generation that prides itself on tolerance, the Gen Z comments were essentially, “Hey, Almond Mom, go fuck yourself!” Then I had to Google ‘almond mom’, and realized it’s a mother who gives almonds as a snack instead of chips or animal crackers or something. I see what the internet is doing, but almonds are delicious. It should be Orange Slice Mom or Doesn’t Give Their Kid A Goddamn Thing Dad.

I hate diet culture. I went too far down that rabbit hole in high school. I decided to lose weight as a sophomore and only ate cereal all day and ran on a treadmill every night, losing weight faster than a hospice patient. I would weigh myself and feel fear if I saw the scale creep above 120. Which made me fucking hot, being 5’7, but I was too hungry and had too little self-esteem to notice.

So I don’t weigh myself anymore and eat whatever I want, for the most part. I like to work out and I eat healthy because I don’t want the ‘betes, but I also run towards an ice cream truck whenever I can. This laissez faire attitude towards nutrition worked fine until I stopped working in hospitality. Instead of burning off every delicious thing I ate from walking 7 miles a day on the floor of a restaurant or pacing behind a bar, I sat my ass down behind a desk and on the couch.

And there were consequences.

About six months ago, I finally admitted to myself that my clothes weren’t fitting. They hadn’t been for awhile, but I thought I could turn it around. Not by changing any of my habits; pretty much by thinking, “I used to weigh less so I’m sure that’ll happen again.”

I jammed myself into my tightening pants for a few months, fingers crossed that my home workouts for 30 minutes a day would negate the awesome food I kept eating. I did this for a while, tottering about in hopeful denial towards my next snack, until I was out to dinner one night and I realized that undoing the top button when I sat down wasn’t going to do it anymore.

“Fuck yourself, hard pants,” I said, heaving myself into the car the next day. “I’m going to buy a bigger version of you for this bigger version of me.” I drove to Target and threw a pair of cheap jeans in a bigger size into my cart. “Until I lose the weight,” I told myself as I walked to the candy aisle.

A couple more months went by and I was eating my nightly bowl of ice cream and I kept shifting on the couch. I was uncomfortable and I didn’t know why until I realized the band of my sweatpants was digging into my newly grown gut. Heartbroken, I realized my beloved soft pants were becoming hard pants.

“Oh, no!” I thought, alarmed, shoveling the chocolate ice cream with crushed Oreos and Reese Piece’s and chocolate chips into my mouth faster. “What do I do?!”

I broke down and bought a membership to Planet Fitness. It’s not my first choice for a gym because I often see people using the machines backwards and if you understand that, that means you, too, have seen it. But it’s close, meaning I will go there, which is the goal.

The first day in the locker room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror and thought, “Well, that’s a shame.” It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t what I was expecting to see. I had been working out from home, but it wasn’t undoing or meeting the amount of movement a person needs to stay…alive.

I blamed some of my inactivity on the pinched nerve in my neck and the slipped disc in my back, but once I started..what’s the word–oh, moving, I noticed the numbness and tingling from these things started to go away. Realizing my neck and back issues were self-inflicted, I thought, “Well, that’s also a shame.”

I wanted to be sure I was doing it right, so I did what anyone would do and investigated via social media. I followed dietitians and work-out people (Athletes? Trainers? Gym bunnies?) to learn more about good form and calorie deficits. I thought going to the gym and not eating as much would be all I would need to do, and it is, but there’s so much more to it. Scrolling through Instagram, watching reel after reel, changed the voice in my head that said, “Ice cream FUCKS!” to something like this: 

“So, you need to burn more calories than you consume. But to do that, are you also walking for 15 minutes twice a day? Are you stretching? Are you moving while you’re at your desk? On the couch? Falling asleep? All of this on top of your hour at the gym?”

“And when you’re at the gym, are you lifting heavy? Like really heavy? Really, REALLY heavy while keeping good form? Is your core tucked in? How about your back? Keep it straight! Bend your knees when you should be bending your knees! The important thing is you keep moving, buddy! By the way, are you having your groceries delivered like a lazy asshole or are you getting those extra steps in by marching up and down the aisles?”

“You need to cut calories to get into a deficit, so you should track your meals. You might think you’re eating less, but you’re probably not! You lie to yourself all the time and this is another example of that, haha!”

Don’t look so sad! Even though you’re cutting your calories, that doesn’t mean you can’t keep eating your favorite foods, bestie! Just factor them in to your daily intake, but also make sure you’re eating 165 grams of protein. Per meal. But lean meats, okay, we want you to be thin and strong! That Olympic-runner-sinewy-look can be yours if you do everything right.”

“What about water, are you drinking enough water? Get one of these enormous water bottles, fill it up, and you have an entire day’s worth of water right at your fingertips! Sure, it’ll be warm after an hour but at least you filled it all the way up at the gym while a line of annoyed people grew behind you. There’s nothing more refreshing than drinking warm water that’s slowly filling with your backwash. And I hope you have excellent bladder control! If not, here are some reels on strengthening your pelvic floor. We’re talking to you, ladies! Keep it tight, all right!”

“Hey, queen. Why aren’t you eating your favorite foods? We said you could do that! Don’t deprive yourself, otherwise you’ll break down after a few weeks and gorge yourself, ruining all the progress you’ve made. Eat your favorite foods!….as long as you stay beneath your daily calorie goal, you little scamp!

Oh, also. Be sure not to stay in a calorie deficit for too long because then you won’t lose weight–you’ll gain weight. You’ll want to be in calorie maintenance for a while to build muscle, but don’t go crazy, you little banana lip, you! You can add in like a single shard of a cookie or an extra scoop of protein powder to your favorite meals.”

“Oh, what’s a calorie deficit? Burn more than you eat! It’s really easy. You just need to download a food tracking app. There’s a lot of them so, yay, another decision to make! Once you spend hours reading reviews on which app is the best for your fitness goals, you just need to figure out your BMR (a really long equation involving your BMI, body measurements, social security number, and a bunch of other shit you won’t remember!). Then, you’ll decide on how many calories you need to barely stay alive but will also allow you to eat 12,000 grams of protein a day. And your favorite foods! Now you know!”

“But also make sure your fav meals don’t have a ton of sugar or even fake sugar because the fake sugar is worse than real sugar. Your favorite foods shouldn’t have any preservatives, either, because you’ll get heart disease, cancer, and hella strokes. Also, is your food cruelty-free? Maybe go vegan. That means you’ll be eating a lot of beans because you need to get that protein, cutie patootie! Which is fine because you’ll already be in the bathroom all the time because you’re drinking so much fucking water. Way to stay hydrated, pal!”

“Do you like leftovers? Like everyday? Because you should be meal-prepping. Go to my site, pay a subscription, and download all the meals and grocery lists! It’s so easy! Then instead of day-drinking and enjoying your life, spend your Sunday boiling chicken in water and labeling stacks of Tupperware that you may or may not actually eat during the week.”

“Time? Oh, you need time for this? You have time! You’ll need to forgo any hobbies or watching TV or watching your children grow or doing anything else because you’re constantly asking, “Did I lose the weight yet?! I want my life back!” 

“Silly goose! This is your life now.”

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash