Really, who needs all ten fingers? Margo from The Royal Tennenbaums rocked only nine and had a wooden one in place of the tenth. It doesn't matter that she's not a real person. What does matter is I almost ripped off my left pinky finger while running for the bus today. On a construction sign … Continue reading Flesh Wounds

The door opened and the ponytailed man dressed in what could best be described as pajamas looked in. We made eye contact. I lay motionless as the needles in my skin bobbed to the beat of my heartbeat. “Oh. I didn’t know someone was in here," he said to me. In response, I blinked. Wordlessly, … Continue reading Pins and Needles

My best friend got married this past October. Now she's constantly fielding the "when are you guys going to have a baby?!" question. And this is in Missouri. And she's 33, so everyone there probably thinks her uterus is as useful as a dried out corn husk. And before she even got married, they probably … Continue reading Old Uterus

People like to blame age on their severe hangovers. "Back when I was 12, I didn't suffer like this in the morning after happy hour." That is a bullshit reason. It's not because you're old - you're just out of practice.  Nowadays, I, too, collapse and pray for death as soon as I feel any symptom … Continue reading Normal Functioning

I like to workout. Usually these workouts involve strenuous activities, like ripping kettlebells above my head or jumping up and down so my knees slam into my chin and my feet slam into the floor or punching imaginary but moving objects. They all involve forms of screaming. That's why I work out by myself. In … Continue reading Being Zen and Shit

Often, I am overcome by the desire to eat something sweet. And by often, I mean with the increasing frequency of a heavy cocaine user. I might be able to go hours without a cookie or handful of Skittles, but once sugar hits my tongue and my brain gets wind of it, it demands more … Continue reading Rustle Rustle Thud Thud

I have grapheme-color synesthesia. That means that every letter and number have a color associated with it in my mind. While I know that this letter T is black on the page, I see it as light blue (K is pink, H is dark brown, etc). The first letter of every word determines the color … Continue reading Pink Green Teal White Tan

This past February, I was invited to submit samples for an open position as a headline writer for Onion web videos. I didn't get the job, but I still like what I submitted...1. TECH TREND: Earbuds Being Sewn Into Ears To Block Out All Of HumanityA new trend hitting cities is having earbuds sewn directly into … Continue reading Onion Headlines

“This is a lease so I gotta make sure I take care of it,” I told her, smoldering cigarette in hand. I ashed on the dashboard.