This past February, I was invited to submit samples for an open position as a headline writer for Onion web videos. I didn’t get the job, but I still like what I submitted…

1. TECH TREND: Earbuds Being Sewn Into Ears To Block Out All Of Humanity

A new trend hitting cities is having earbuds sewn directly into ears to block out all those

annoying sounds of humanity, like laughter, loved ones’ days and cries for help. Plastic

surgeons say there’s a growing request to create “a cocoon of me, with a playlist built by

Genius.” The same crowd is hoping Netflix account users will soon have the choice of burning

movies and shows directly onto their corneas, as long as they aren’t “stupid and boring”.

2. TECH TREND: Gamers Trade In Hard Won Girlfriends For Newest Upgrade

Gamers of popular online games are selling girlfriends to obtain the hottest upgrades.

Girlfriends are a hot commodity in this world, as these people never seem to leave their RedBull

and beer can covered hovels of gaming. Sellers do acknowledge the great difficulty they had in

finding girlfriends initially, since they have such poor social skills, but they aren’t using these

girlfriends, so what’s the point? Buyers intend to keep girlfriends wrapped in plastic to sell at a

later date once their value has risen.

3. TECH TREND: Amazon Prime Now Offering To Feed, Get Beer From Fridge, Use

Bathroom, Have Sex With Partner For You

Amazon Prime Members are getting more bang for their buck – literally! The online retailer

turned media conglomerate now offers an at-home service to feed, retrieve beverages, use

bathroom and even have sex with your partner for you. Prime members are saying it frees up

more time for nothing, but most are disappointed they still have to brush teeth and shower

occasionally.

4. BEYOND THE FACTS: Report: Why Not Travel With My Stolen Baby?

A report received by producers finds no reason why black market parents shouldn’t travel with

their stolen babies, as long as precautions like false documents, diversion tactics and hats are

procured. Just because the child didn’t come by natural or legal means, doesn’t mean the

parents should be deprived of a family vacation or the opportunity to steal more illegal children,

who are languishing away in sunny playgrounds or loving, functional families with similar DNA.

With the rising cost of child care and the thought that child care professionals might also be

baby stealers, there’s really no reason not to give it a go.

5. STARFIX: Matthew McConaughey Time Travels To Lunch With His Hero, Matthew

McConaughey

Reports from Austin, Texas reveal that a time machine with Matthew McConaughey inside has

warped through time so the Oscar winner can lunch with his hero, Matthew McConaughey, in

the year 2024. McConaughey’s reps confirm the time travel, stating the actor was very excited

and talked about the possibility of taking 2024 Matthew McConaughey to 2034 to meet his hero,

Matthew McConaughey. Witnesses report the time machine’s energy source appears to have

come from melted VHS copies of A Time to Kill and chanting, “Alright, alright, alright!”

6. STARFIX: Struggling Actor Removes Vital Organs To Fit Into Role

A story of perseverance coming out of Hollywood this afternoon about a struggling actor having

his appendix, spleen, a kidney and part of his liver removed to fit into a role that he believes will

garner both critical and financial success. While friends admire his commitment, they think it

was an extreme move for a Miller Lite commercial call-back. He is recovering well, but does

need someone to cover his server shifts this weekend and next at Maggiano’s Little Italy in the

Grove.

7. STARFIX: Bieber Murders, Nation Rejoices

After the breaking news of Justin Bieber’s very public and widely recorded murder of a man in

San Diego, the nation stopped what they were doing to celebrate the end of the young star’s

annoying tyranny on entertainment and cable news feeds. All across the country, strangers

came together, spontaneous office parties sprang up and bars burst at the seams with people

joyously extolling the imprisonment scenarios for the girlish 20-year-old, with the very optimistic

hoping for capital punishment. As an afterthought, a few extended condolences to the victim’s

family. 

8. NEWSROOM: Michele Bachmann Bullied By Own Gay Thoughts

Rep. Michele Bachmann admits she hasn’t been able to sleep or eat for days due to the torment

of gay thoughts bullying her every move. Aids say she refuses to yield to the wants of these

badgering gay thoughts despite the soft curve of a woman’s breasts or how sexy the long legs

of the blonde down the hall are. She finds the gay thoughts to be terribly intolerant of her

sincerely held religious beliefs, no matter the undulating dewiness of her neighbor’s sensual

pink mouth.

9. NEWSROOM: Poor Still Really Poor, The Nation’s Rich Exhale In Relief

With $8 billion cut to food stamps and other cutbacks to subsidizes for the impoverished, the

nation’s rich breathed a sigh of relief with the realization that the poor are still really poor. After

crunching some numbers, the worrisome wealthy realized they are way ahead in the game of

riches and basic human needs and there’s no WAY the lower class will ever catch up to them.

Despite this advantage, the affluent are still determined to pish-posh ideas like the Affordable

Health Care Act and encourage ideas like food deserts in urban environments.

10. NEWSROOM: Report: Sallie Mae Baffled At Students Still Taking Out Student Loans

Sallie Mae is surprised with the number of students still taking out student loans through the

private loan company. Citing the company’s high interest rates, reluctance to consolidate and

the assload of money they make on the capitalized interest of 25 year loans, Sallie Mae is

completely befuddled why young people are willing to be bled dry for the sake of a lowly

bachelor’s degree. At the idea of obtaining loans for a Liberal Arts education, the company

reportedly could not stop laughing at the ludicrousness of such a decision.

11. NEWSROOM: Nation’s Libertarians Torn Over Government Regulation Of

Deregulating Government

With the news that the federal government is making strides to deregulate portions of the

federal government, libertarians are torn. While pleased with the decision to deregulate the

government, they wish it had been made by a private entity and not a governing body. At press

time, they were gathering up their firearms and dried meats because they didn’t know what else

to do and thought this would make them feel better.

12. TODAY NOW!: Pete Always Chosen For Fuck In Fuck, Marry, Kill

Local software engineer Pete is always chosen for Fuck when his co-workers play Fuck, Marry,

Kill. While he gives some credit to luck of the draw and an adequate appearance, he does have

a strategy that saves him from Kill or Marry. He tries to be less gross than his opponents, but

misogynistic enough that thought of marriage turns stomachs. 

13. TODAY NOW!: Greyhound Offers Free Rides To Aspiring Drug Addicts Masquerading

As Artists

In an effort to increase publicity, Greyhound is offering free cross-country trips to aspiring drug

addicts masquerading as artists. With the hope that these free trips will encourage artistic

expression and not overdoses, the bus line is hopeful that the campaign will reawaken a

nostalgia for riding Greyhound. Greyhound is looking forward to seeing the works of art these

trips will inspire, despite the inevitable clean-up of bent spoons and tourniquets.

14. TODAY NOW!: Nation’s Leprechauns Boycotting Racist Holiday St. Patrick’s Day

Leprechauns across the country are protesting the upcoming celebration of St. Patrick’s Day,

stating the Irish holiday generalizes and demeans their race. They plan on boycotting March 17

and will spend their day hiding pots of gold at the end of rainbows and yelling at people to stay

away from their lucky charms.

15. TODAY NOW!: 8-Year-Old Leukemia Survivor Drowning In Pussy

Third grader Justin Cole says that he’s drowning in pussy ever since beating leukemia two

months ago. Reportedly, cancer was the best thing that’s ever happened to him because he has

to practically beat the girls off with a stick. He plans on playing the field until he settles down in

the fifth grade, if he finds the right woman, but even then he’ll probably have someone else on

the side.