On my 29th birthday, we go to my favorite dive bar with two other friends. We leave wasted. We go back to his place and eat pizza. The next day, we go out for sushi, drink sake bombs and sleep till midnight. Later in the week, one of the friends and I demonstrate how he … Continue reading Birthdays

This is a story about a drunk guy at a bar I used to work at a couple of years ago. And when he tried to grab me by my naughty bits. Just two days before Christmas. It is, obviously, painstakingly modeled after T'was the Night Before Christmas. Because what better way to parody that … Continue reading T’was the Grope Before Christmas

Going to the salon to get highlights and a haircut is usually a two to three hour process. It's not so much the time wasted I hate. Usually I read. And it's not so much the forced small talk I have to make with the stylist. Making small talk is easy for me. Years of … Continue reading Salon Time

People are still under the assumption that women have a ticking biological clock. I know this because the other day someone said to a co-worker, "You'll want babies one day. Women have a ticking biological clock." So that guy and my Facebook feed makes that statement ring somewhat true. But I don't think so. I … Continue reading The Clock That Has Never Ticked

Really, who needs all ten fingers? Margo from The Royal Tennenbaums rocked only nine and had a wooden one in place of the tenth. It doesn't matter that she's not a real person. What does matter is I almost ripped off my left pinky finger while running for the bus today. On a construction sign … Continue reading Flesh Wounds

The door opened and the ponytailed man dressed in what could best be described as pajamas looked in. We made eye contact. I lay motionless as the needles in my skin bobbed to the beat of my heartbeat. “Oh. I didn’t know someone was in here," he said to me. In response, I blinked. Wordlessly, … Continue reading Pins and Needles

My best friend got married this past October. Now she's constantly fielding the "when are you guys going to have a baby?!" question. And this is in Missouri. And she's 33, so everyone there probably thinks her uterus is as useful as a dried out corn husk. And before she even got married, they probably … Continue reading Old Uterus

People like to blame age on their severe hangovers. "Back when I was 12, I didn't suffer like this in the morning after happy hour." That is a bullshit reason. It's not because you're old - you're just out of practice.  Nowadays, I, too, collapse and pray for death as soon as I feel any symptom … Continue reading Normal Functioning

I like to workout. Usually these workouts involve strenuous activities, like ripping kettlebells above my head or jumping up and down so my knees slam into my chin and my feet slam into the floor or punching imaginary but moving objects. They all involve forms of screaming. That's why I work out by myself. In … Continue reading Being Zen and Shit

Often, I am overcome by the desire to eat something sweet. And by often, I mean with the increasing frequency of a heavy cocaine user. I might be able to go hours without a cookie or handful of Skittles, but once sugar hits my tongue and my brain gets wind of it, it demands more … Continue reading Rustle Rustle Thud Thud