Illustration by Katie H. I've been a fan of home workouts since I was a teenager, awkwardly following kickboxing and pilates workouts in my bedroom. For most of my adult life, I've been jumping, planking, and crunching in apartments around the country. Costly gym memberships, living nowhere near a gym and the convenience of turning … Continue reading The Benefits of Home Workouts
Fuck We're almost out of toothpaste. The formerly plump tube is now flattened to .0005mm, almost as thick as the random blonde hair growing between my eyes that every seven months I discover is three feet long and no one told me. I found a half-empty travel size toothpaste under the sink, but how much … Continue reading We Need Toothpaste
For those of us that live with someone else, be it roommate or partner, there are those few and far in between times when you get the place to yourself. And today was one of those days! Yesterday, the boyfriend took off for Vegas. I woke up, headed straight for the couch and played an … Continue reading Carpe Diem! Recipes for A Minor Depressive Episode
On my 29th birthday, we go to my favorite dive bar with two other friends. We leave wasted. We go back to his place and eat pizza. The next day, we go out for sushi, drink sake bombs and sleep till midnight. Later in the week, one of the friends and I demonstrate how he … Continue reading Birthdays
This is a story about a drunk guy at a bar I used to work at a couple of years ago. And when he tried to grab me by my naughty bits. Just two days before Christmas. It is, obviously, painstakingly modeled after T'was the Night Before Christmas. Because what better way to parody that … Continue reading T’was the Grope Before Christmas
Going to the salon to get highlights and a haircut is usually a two to three hour process. It's not so much the time wasted I hate. Usually I read. And it's not so much the forced small talk I have to make with the stylist. Making small talk is easy for me. Years of … Continue reading Salon Time
People are still under the assumption that women have a ticking biological clock. I know this because the other day someone said to a co-worker, "You'll want babies one day. Women have a ticking biological clock." So that guy and my Facebook feed makes that statement ring somewhat true. But I don't think so. I … Continue reading The Clock That Has Never Ticked
Really, who needs all ten fingers? Margo from The Royal Tennenbaums rocked only nine and had a wooden one in place of the tenth. It doesn't matter that she's not a real person. What does matter is I almost ripped off my left pinky finger while running for the bus today. On a construction sign … Continue reading Flesh Wounds
The door opened and the ponytailed man dressed in what could best be described as pajamas looked in. We made eye contact. I lay motionless as the needles in my skin bobbed to the beat of my heartbeat. “Oh. I didn’t know someone was in here," he said to me. In response, I blinked. Wordlessly, … Continue reading Pins and Needles
My best friend got married this past October. Now she's constantly fielding the "when are you guys going to have a baby?!" question. And this is in Missouri. And she's 33, so everyone there probably thinks her uterus is as useful as a dried out corn husk. Anyway, a nice old lady asked her, "When … Continue reading Old Uterus
Katie Hackmeister 