Normal Functioning

People like to blame age on their severe hangovers. “Back when I was 12, I didn’t suffer like this in the morning after happy hour.” That is a bullshit reason. It’s not because you’re old – you’re just out of practice.  Nowadays, I, too, collapse and pray for death as soon as I feel any symptom of a hangover. But that’s because I barely drink anymore. Or, actually, I drink the amount of normal functioning human beings. “Just a box of wine with the latest installment of The Bachelor! Giggle!’ That’s how I think normal 9 to 5 people think.

When I drank like a normal functioning alcohol, I could plow right through my hangovers. Simply because I didn’t care what happened to me. I was a kid and didn’t like my job. Who cares? Was my limited brain power really going to make my earning of $30 in a lunch shift while wearing a tie and an apron any worse? I’d be weird if I wasn’t drunk all the time. Waking up, barfing in the shower and heading right back to the bar for another 12 hour drinkin’ day was what I did.

Also, I wasn’t drinking champagne and Fernet when I was 25. I was slamming Coors light and watered down Jameson. Of course I could drink for 12 hours. Coors Light is redneck for water. Now that I can afford to drink like a normal functioning pretentious human being, my sessions are limited to a couple of hours. And yes, I may still barf occasionally, but that’s only for special occasions.

So think before blaming age on your intensified hangovers. Maybe you’re just out of practice. Or maybe you have higher standards for yourself now that you’re older.

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