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Carpe Diem! Recipes for A Minor Depressive Episode

For those of us that live with someone else, be it roommate or partner, there are those few times when you get the place to yourself. And today was one of those days! Yesterday, the boyfriend took off for Vegas. I woke up at 10:30 feeling productive. So I headed straight for the couch, turned on Netflix and played an episode of Jessica Jones. As Kristin Ritter slammed a bottle of bourbon, I mentally planned a whole day for myself! First, I was going to go thrift store shopping for a cute summery dress, followed by lunch, for one, at my favorite ramen place. Then, I was going to go to the store to gather ingredients to make homemade ice cream and a cauliflower pizza crust, yum! A full day!

After watching another episode of Jessica Jones, my rumbling stomach decided it was time to make myself breakfast. As I stared into the fridge, I realized there wasn’t shit to make breakfast with. But I got creative! I found a buttermilk waffle in the freezer from a couple of weeks ago when I made a batch during a desperate attempt to snap myself out of a depressive episode. Waffles! I had two remaining pieces of turkey bacon and a few eggs left. I popped the waffle into the toaster, tossed the turkey bacon into the microwave and scrambled those eggs! Away we go!

However, I set the microwave for too long and the bacon returned to me as two pieces of salty smoldering cardboard. Then, even after two attempts of toasting the waffle, they remained cold and adopted the texture of human flesh. The organic maple syrup did nothing to save it and in fact, the clammy waffle flesh infected the syrup with yeasty putridness. Despite the wallpapery border hanging off the eggs, either from cooking too high a heat or the universe is against me, they were indeed edible. Good thing, too! Despair was clawing at my back!

Burnt As Fuck Turkey Bacon With Cadaver Belgian Waffle & Wallpapery Scrambled Eggs

2 pieces of turkey bacon

1 leftover frozen Belgian waffle from a happier day

2 eggs

1.Sandwich turkey bacon between two paper towels. Place into microwave for 2 min. This will be too long.

2. Remove frozen waffle and place into toaster. Press the lever down.

3.. Place a pan on the burner and spray with cooking spray. Crank to high.

4. Open the fucking microwave because it won’t stop beeping. 

4. Waffle still frozen.  Press the lever down on toaster again.

5. Whisk eggs in bowl. Move them around.

6. Press the lever down on toaster again. Waffle will remain cold.

7. Eat however much you can stand.

Since it was a beautiful summer day, I decided not to leave the house. Squinting one eye at Jessica Jones, the other eye mashed into a couch pillow, I began anInstacart order. I flip through an ice cream cookbook. I remember that I wanted to make homemade ice cream. I weigh the pros and cons of instant gratification over a feeling of accomplishment. Click! Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Ice Cream appears in my cart. I remember my plan of creating a cauliflower pizza. Click! Amy’s Organice Spinch Frozen pizza pops into my cart. 

Another episode of Jessica Jones later, my groceries arrive. I pull out the carton of ice cream and dump a massive scoop into my almost finished sugary milky coffee. I sit back on the couch and eat my disgusting version of Affogato.

Sad Affogato  

1/16 cup of coffee

2 scoops of vanilla ice cream

  1. After guzzling a coffee that is primarily milk and sugar, spoon out two scoops of ice cream into cup. 
  2. Jam another spoonful straight from carton into mouth.

After two and a half more episodes of Jessica Jones, I decide it’s time for lunch. I cook the Amy’s Organic frozen pizza. I’m on a health kick. As I pace around the kitchen waiting for my pizza to cook, I eat chocolate, hummus, almonds, stale cheddar Ruffles, crackers, really, anything in reach. I eyeball a bottle of rose. The clock reads 1:45pm. This day is pretty much over. I pour myself a large glass.

Amy’s Organic Spinach Pizza

One (1) Amy’s Organic Spinach Pizza 

  1. Preheat oven.
  2. Wait 5 seconds.
  3. Tear open box and place pizza in oven, directly on rack because who cares.
  4. Check on pizza after 4 minutes, then 2 minutes, then 3 minutes, then 2 minutes again, then 1 minute, then another minute, then another minute.
  5. Remove and eat.

Carrying two slices of pizza, I return to my permanently indented couch cushion. I watch 10 more minutes of Jessica Jones. I return to the kitchen three times for two more slices. Why three times for two slices? On the second trip, in a pathetic display of portion control, I cut one slice in half. The third slice is eaten after finishing the wine and taking a 40 minute open mouth nap with one cat asleep on my neck. I am so drowsy and confused I’m not even aware I’m eating the slice until it is finished. It is only 4:15pm.

I decide it’s time for more ice cream. Using a juice cup is a good way to eat several servings of ice cream in one day and still tell yourself it’s not a full bowl of ice cream. But it can be if you really pack it in there. 

When I was little girl, waiting with my family for a table at Denny’s, I watched an employee fill a pint of ice cream. Mesmerized, I watched as the Denny’s employee used the ice cream scoop as a hammer to smash out any air pockets. He filled it to the motherfucking brim. I think about this at least once every two week. 

Using the 1991 Denny’s Baskin Robbins method, I filled my juice cup of ice cream to the motherfucking brim. 

I simultaneously finish the ice cream and final season of Jessica Jones. Later, I go to bed and  reflect on my goals from that morning. None were accomplished. I eat a chocolate bar in bed, smushing chocolate into my pillowcases, scrolling through Instagram videos of bakers icing cakes. Tomorrow is another day.